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923 Arch Street, Philadelphia 



Si Slocum's Country 
Store 



An Entertainment in One Act 



BY 



FRANK DUMONT 

Author of "SMITH vs. SMYTHE," "THE OLD NEW 
HAMPSHIRE HOME," etc. 




PHILADELPHIA 

THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 

1911 






Copyright 1911 by The Penn .Publishing Company 



TMP96-G07231 



C CI. D 25910 

D.I 



Si Slocum's Country Store 



CAST OF CHARACTERS 

Si SloCUM . . . Postmaster at Cranberry Crossroads, 

justice of the peace, insurance agent 

and owner of the store 

Hank Hardback ) ^ rj . , , 

-r o > • . J wo old veterans and loungers 

Reuben Jaybird . . . . . .An up-to-date farmer 

Jim Snow His negro farm boy 

Slowboy ....... Who can sleep anywhere 

The Tramp A bird of passage 

Ezra Buttons A college athlete 

Hiram Plunkitt . The country scapegrace turned actor 

Professor Camomile A cow doctor 

The Town Constable. 

Tilly Slocum Assistant postmistress 

Mrs. Ripples A designing widow 

Lillie Dotts A typewriter girl 

Belinda Stokes . An old maid, and a general busybody 

Mabel Deering A summer boarder 

Schoolgirls 

Time of Playing : — One hour. 



STORY OF THE ENTERTAINMENT 

Si Slocum is the proprietor of the crossroads store, and 
Tilly, his sister, is postmistress. Hank and Joe, two old 
veterans, sit on boxes and quarrel about the war. Snow, 
who is black, and Slowboy, who is sleepy, upset the potatoes. 
Tilly reads all the postal cards, learns about Farmer Jay- 
bird's new auto, about the church entertainment and about 
the return to Greenville of Hiram Plunkitt. "Guess Hi's 
goin' to live on the old folks now." 

Slowboy takes a nap while waiting for his molasses. 
"That boy would go to sleep on top of a steeple." Mrs. 
Ripples, the giddy widow, gives her views of matrimony. 
She warmly welcomes Hiram. A. burlesque love scene. 
"What do you work at, Hiram?" " I'm an actor." "I 
alius said you'd come to a bad end." 

Lillie, Hiram's old sweetheart, offers to help him. 
Belinda Spokes tells of the coming entertainment. Every- 
body volunteers. Tilly shows how to speak a piece. Belinda 
does a real sweet imitation of a little child. Ezra Buttons, 
the athlete, offers a college song if Mabel will help. Mabel 
is willing. The high school girls, Professor Camomile, the 
cow doctor, and others all show what they can do. Ezra 
recognizes Hiram as a brilliant Broadway star. Lillie and 
Hiram. "Oh, Hiram, I thought you were poor." "No, 
I'm rich — 1 have you ! " 



COSTUMES, AGES, ETC. 

The costumes for the rural characters may be quiet and 
natural country costumes, or they may, if desired, be strongly 
burlesqued. 

Si is fifty to sixty years old, tall and angular. Wears over- 
alls, long apron, a cotton shirt, and, if desired, a wide straw 
hat. Wears spectacles. May have "chin whiskers." 

Hank and Joe are both over seventy, and dress much 
like Si. Their shirts are of loud colors, and not the same 
color. One wears thin whiskers, the other has a smooth 
face. Joe has a cane, and limps. 



PROPERTIES 5 

Jaybird. About forty. Wears khaki trousers, has a 
white shirt and collar, an automobile duster, goggles, and 
eccentric motor costume generally. 

Snow and Slowboy wear overalls and should be typical 
poor country boys. Slowboy stutters. 

Tramp is ragged, with short beard. Wears old cap. 

Ezra. About twenty, a typical college boy. He should 
be a big chap. 

Hiram. About thirty. Well but quietly dressed. Sum- 
mer suit and straw hat. 

Professor. About fifty. Wide-brimmed black felt hat, 
rusty long black coat, and black trousers. Wears spectacles 
and carries black hand-bag and is very near-sighted. 

Constable. Cotton shirt, overalls, large tin star. Uni- 
form cap with visor. Carries baton. 

Tilly. About fifty. Calico dress, 'rather short in the 
skirt. White stockings and heavy shoes. 

Mrs. Ripples. About forty. Should be attractive, and 
dressed in a white summer costume, obviously, too young 
for her, with gay ribbons, coquettish bows, etc. 

Lillie. About twenty-seven. Quietly and prettily 
dressed in simple summer costume. Wears hat. 

Belinda. About sixty. • A gray curl in front of each ear. 
Spectacles, old-fashioned dress. 

Mabel. About twenty. Fashionably dressed in summer 
costume, hat, parasol, etc. 

Schoolgirls. Fifteen to eighteen years old. Simple 
summer dresses. 



PROPERTIES 



For Si, packages, scoop. For Tilly, letters and post- 
cards. For Snow, barrel partly filled with potatoes, cracker 
box, bridle. For Hank, knife, stick, crackers. For 
Joe, cane, corn-cob pipe, crackers. For Slowboy, pitcher. 
For Jaybird, auto horn, monkey-wrench. For 'Tramp, long 
flexible stick. For Hiram, sheet of paper. 



SCENE PLOT 




Scene. — Interior of Si Slocum's store. Entrances r. and 
L. Shelves against flat up c. A, counter. B, post-office 
boxes. C, bundle of brooms. D, a keg. E, large empty 
barrel. FF, boxes to serve as seats. G, barrel of potatoes. 




<3> <3> 



o 



This diagram shows arrangement of boxes to form the 
burlesque " sight-seeing automobile." i, Hiram. 2, Jay- 
bird. 3, Lillie. 4, Mabel. 5, Hank. 6, Joe. 7, Be- 
linda. 8, Si. 
6 



Si Slocum's Country Store 



SCENE. — Interior of the store. Doors k. and l. Shelves 
across back show miscellaneous dry-goods, cracker boxes, 
jars of candy, straiu hats, flour bags, canned goods, etc., 
etc: Counter across back, in front of shelves, is also 
heaped with rolls of dry-goods, cheese box, scales, small 
kegs, etc. This counter may be made by placing boards 
across boxes, and draping the front with dark cloth, or 
cloth painted like wooden panels. At the left end of 
counter is a set of post-office pigeonholes, or something 
painted to look like them, with a sign over them : " U. S. 
Post-office. ' ' At back and sides of room are signs adver- 
tising goods, and placards advertising county fairs, pub- 
lic sales, etc. Also signs, " Fire Insurance," "Justice 
of the Peace," " Cemetery Lots for Sale," etc. 

{Lively music at opening. Si Slocum is behind counter 
tying up a package and weighing articles. Tilly Slo- 
cum at work behind post-office boxes, sorting mail. 
Loud, angry voices heard r.) 

Si {pausing). My ! My ! I'll bet ye them boys is 
fig h tin' again. 

Tilly {from behind boxes). Fightin' again ? Fightin* 
yet, ye mean. They ain't never stopped. Oh, my gracious ! 

{She screams as Jim Snow rushes in r. , pursued by Slow- 
boy. Snow picks up a paper cracker box from counter 
and throws it at Slowboy.) 

Snow. Lemme alone. Lemme alone. I ain't doin' 
nuffin. Lemme alone, I tell yer. 

{He runs behind barrel of potatoes down l. Slowboy 
slowly follows, and in dodging around the barrel they up- 
set it. Snow rushes over to r., pursued by Slowboy, 
and Snow upsets bundle of brooms at right end of counter* 
Snow falls and sits on floor.) 

7 



8 SI SLOCUM S COUNTRY STORE 

Slowboy. Now I've got yer. 

{He seizes empty barrel standing down R. , and puts it over 
Snow's head and runs out l. All this action should be 
very quick. Si looks on amazed.) 

Tilly. Oh, stop 'em, stop 'em, Si Slocum. Why don't 
you do somethin' ? {She rushes out in front of counter, her 
hands full of letters. Tries to pick up brooms and drops 
her letters.') Now ! There's all my letters on the floor. I 
call it a disgrace the way you let them boys go on. Oh, if 
I was a man ! 

{She is gathering letters, but drops them again when Snow 
gives a yell and jumps the barrel toward her.) 

Snow. Lemme out ! Lemme out ! 

(Tilly screams and rushes behind counter , and pushes Si 
out in front of it.) 

Tilly. Si Slocum, you get out there and stop this. That 
there barrel jumped at me an' tried to bite me. 

Si {going to barrel). Dear me, Tilly, ye don't say? 
{Laughs and lifts barrel.) Get out o' here, ye young imp o* 
Satan. 

(Snow yells y just escapes Si's kick, and runs outR. Si puts 
barrel down r. Music ceases.) 

Tilly {comiiig around right end of counter). Pretty 
doings, I say. How long ye goin' to stand this, Silas 
Slocum? Oh, if I was a man ! 

'Si. What would ye do if ye was a man, Tilly? 

{Picks up brooms. ) 

Tilly. I'd call a constable an' put them boys in jail. 

Si {picking up potatoes with scoop). What for? 

Tilly. Interferin' with the United States mail — that's 
what for. Look there ! {Points to letters.) 

Si. Who interferes most with the mail, Tilly — the person 
that knocks it on the floor, or the one that reads it all before 
people gets it ? {Laughs and winks.) 

Tilly {picking up letters). Humph! I s^pose you mean 
me. Well, I guess I know my rights. If I get a little fun 
out of this job I guess it's all I do get. Oh, I wish 1 was a 
man. 



SI SLOCUM S COUNTRY STORE 9 

( Goes behind counter and begins to sort letters on counter.) 

Si. I wish ye was, Tilly. I'd certainly get ye after them 
boys. 

{Picks up potatoes with a scoop. As he does so, Hank 
Hardback and Joe Spruce enter r., Hank whittling a 
stick. Joe is smoking a corn cob pipe. lliey seat them- 
selves down R., on soap boxes or kegs.) 

Hank. Hello, Si, did a bombshell hit the place? 

Joe. Looks like war around here, for sure. 

Tilly {looking up). I wish you'd stop smoking when 
ladies are present. 

Joe. I buy my tobacco here, and I guess I can smoke it 
here, can't I, Slocum ? 'Tain't woman's rights around these 
corners yet, thank heaven ! 

Hank. The day when they have a woman president of 
these United States I'll move to Europe. 

Tilly. The sooner the quicker, 1 say. {Reads postal.) 
Oh, my goodness, here's a postal to Hiram Plunkitt, care 
of his father. 

Joe. Ye don't mean William Plunkitt's Hiram ? 

Tilly. Yes, I do. This card's from New York, and 
from the way it reads I sh'd say he's stayin' to home now. 

Sr. Well, well. Why, he's been gone five years. 

Hank. Six, come Christmas. 

Joe. Used to be kinder sweet on Lillie Dotts, didn't he? 

Si. Yes. They say he went off to New York to make a 
fortune, an' she promised to wait for him. 

Tilly. Well, she's still a-waitin'. An* I guess she'll 
wait a good long while before Hiram Plunkitt comes back 
rich. He was always a lazy good-fer-nothin' feller. Why, 
this post-card says 

Si. Tilly, you ain't got no right to read other people's 
post -cards. 

Tilly. Well, if people don't want their post- cards read, 
why don't they write letters? Humph ! {Sorts mail.) 
Guess I'll read 'em all if I wanter, an' learn the news. 

Si. Don't seem to me ye learn much. 

Tilly. Don't J ? Well, I'll tell ye what T learned to-day. 
That brazen Mrs. Ripples is settin* her cap for another man. 
Lillie Dotts is goin' to work as a typewriter in Lawyer 



10 si slocum's country store 

Brown's office. Reuben Jaybird's got a new automobile, 
and it ain't all paid for. 

Si. Ye don't say, Tilly? 

Tilly. Yes, sir, that's what I know by reading post- 
cards. I'm ahead of that gossip, Belinda Spokes. 1 know 
there's going to be an entertainment given, too. It's to get 
funds to send the minister away for a little vacation. 

Si. Don't be such a busybody, Tilly. 

Hank. There's a heap of busybodies in Cranberry 
Crossroads. 

Tilly. And you're one of them — but you can't get ahead 
of me. Put that in your pipe and smoke it i 

(Flounces out l. Joe laughs at Hank.) 

Hank. Well, I don't mind her ! A man like me that's 
been all through the war can stand a woman's tongue. 

Joe. Let up on that war talk. You were never near the 
front. 

Hank. Everybody knows I was wounded. 

Joe. Yes, you were kicked by a commissary mule. 

{Both get up to fight. Si comes between them.) 

Si. Here boys, boys — I won't have any fighting in my 
store or upon the premises of the United States which I rep- 
resent as postmaster. Besides, I'm justice of the peace, and 
would have to fine you for disorderly conduct. 

Hank (pointing to Joe). He's always picking on to my 
war record. 

Joe. He's always blowing about battles that he never 
saw and nobody ever heard of. 

Si. Sit down, both of you ! 

(Joe sits down grumbling. Hank helps himself to crackers 
from box on counter. Both he and Joe do this several 
times during the entertainment.) 

(Enter Tramp, l.) 

Tramp. Can you gentlemen tell me which is the other 
side of the road ? 

Si (laughing). The other side is the opposite side, of 
course. 



SI SLOCUM S COUNTRY STORE II 

Tramp. A man across the way said this was the other 
side. 

Si. Why don't you try to find work? 

Tramp. I did find work for two of my family, but they 
wouldn't take it. 

Si. Well — get a move on you. I don't want any tramps 
around here. 

Tramp. Why? Have you got enough of 'em now? 

Si. You get out of here. {About to throw something at 
Tramp, who runs out door r., as enter Slowboy, l., with 
a pitcher.) So you're back here again, are you? You up- 
set that barrel of potaters, and I'll wring your neck for 
you. 

Slowboy (stuttering). It — wasn't me. It was Snow. 

Si. I want you both to keep out of here. What do you 
want, anyway? 

Slowboy. W-w- want — some — molasses. 

Si. How much ? 

Slowboy. T-t-t-ten — cents' worth ; going to have — 
griddle cakes to-morrow morning. 

Si. Well, you keep awake while I get it for you. (Takes 
pitclier.) That boy would go to sleep on top of a steeple. 

(Goes out r. Slowboy sits on a keg near counter and falls 
asleep. Tilly comes from l.) 

Tilly (calling off r.). Si, here's a postal I can't make 
out. Come here and read it to me ! 

Si (heard off r.). I can't ! I'm busy just now. 
Tilly. I want to know all about it. Come here, I say. 

(Si comes out — molasses on hands. Takes post-card.) 

Si. Why, it's only an advertisement for face powder, for 
Belinda Stokes. 

Tilly. I knew it. I knew she painted. Oh ! Won't 
I tell everybody ! The deceiiful old thing ! Face powder ! 
Well, I never ! (Business. Takes car a I from Si.)' You've 
got molasses stuck all over this card. 

Si. Well, I can't help it. I can't 'tend to business and 
be a dude at the same time. 

Tilly. Well, I'll leave the molasses right on the card. 
She paints her face ! Goodness knows her face needs 
whitewashing ! And I've a good mind to hint it to the min- 



12 SI SLOCUM S COUNTRY STORE 

ister. [Exit Si, r.) The idea of her being connected with 
that entertainment next week ! Oh ! Oh ! {Sees Slow- 
bo y sleeping.) Here ! This isn't a lodging house. Wake 
up ! 

{Pushes him off the keg and exits l. Slowboy gets up, sits 
on the keg, and goes to sleep again. Si enters R., and 
goes to Slowboy with the pitcher.) 

Si. Here's your molasses. Now run home ! I'll charge 
it to your mother. 

{Gives pitcher to Slowboy and goes behind counter . Slow- 
boy takes pitcher and goes to sleep. All through the scene 
he rises ?iow and then to go home, but never gets to the 
door.) 

{Enter Snow, r., with a horse's bridle.) 

Snow. Somebody run into me ! {Stands at door shout- 
ing off r.) Look out who you is running into, mister man ! 

Si. You upset all my merchandise, you black rascal, 
and I'll tan your hide for you. {Takes broom.) 

Snow. Hold on, boss ! I admit the altercation, but I 
ain't de aggressor. I didn't mean no harm to your mer- 
cantile ingredients. That stuttering boy picked a dispute 
with me and I had to amalgamate his disposition. 

Si. Well, what do you want? 

Snow. Mr. Jaybird sent this bridle down to be fixed 
{giving it) and he wants some nails. 

Si. Tenpenny nails? 

Snow. No, not ten pennies. Just five cents' worth ! 
And he wants some axle grease — the kind you sell for butter. 

(Hank and Joe laugh at Si.) 

Hank. All right, boy, he knows the article. 

Snow. And he wants a couple of gallons of kerosene 
gasoline oil. We've got a new buzz-wagon and cain't run 
her without oil. 

Si. All the better for me. Automobiles bring a demand 
for gn sol in e. 

Snow. Hmf ! Dey bring de sheriff if you don't pay up. 
I'll stop in for the stuff when I comes back from the barber 
shop. The barber is sharpening my razor. I'm going to a 



SI SLOCUM S COUNTRY STORE 1 3 

party to-morrow night, and I want to be real well dressed. 
{About to €xit door r., just as Jaybird enters r. Jaybird 
has large goggles, cap, coat, etc., of eccentric motorist. Snow 
is alarmed as he meets him.) Oh! What's dis? Oh! 
Don't hurt me ! Please don't hurt me ! 

(Runs out L., in fright. Me?.i in store alarmed also.) 

Jaybird. Hello, folks. Don't be alarmed. It's me — 
Jaybird. Just put on my new togs to see how they would 
fit. Got my new automobile in and going out for a nice 
ride. 

Si. What do you know about an automobile, Reuben ? 

Jaybird (with appropriate gestures). Why, I know all 
about it. I been takin' a course in a correspondence school. 
It's easy. First ye fill yer tank with oil. Then ye open the 
radiator, pour in- your gasoline, and stop up the hole in the 
top with the spark-plug. Then ye shut off the air, turn on 
the compression, set the throttle open six notches, advance 
the clutch, release the magneto, grab the crank shaft with 
both hands and give her a quick turn — and then ye jump in 
and take hold of the steerin' knuckle, and give three honk- 
honks like this (sounding horn he has in pocket), an' off 
ye go. 

Joe. Sho ! Sounds easy, startin'. 

Jaybird. Yes, it's easy startin'. But ye stop awful hard. 
Unless ye're real expert, like me, the first thing ye know the 
auto's straddlin' one limb, and ye're hung on another, an' 
neither of ye nigh the ground. Oh, it's only real experts 
can run the dinged things. 

Hank. How long ye had her, Reuben ? 

Jaybird. Oh, I had her nearly two days now, an' she's 
only cost me fifty-seven ninety-three for repairs, so far. Say, 
hurry Snow up with the gasoline, Si. 

Si. How'd ye come to buy the machine, Reuben? 
Heard ye say t'other day ye was savin' up to put a coat o' 
paint on the house and barn. 

Jaybird. Oh, I decided to put a mortgage on 'em, in- 
stead. I'll be down to take ye all for a ride soon. 

[Enter Tilly, l., with post-cards.) 

Tilly. Two post cards for you. (Gives them to Jay- 
bird.) How's the new automobile? A lawyer's coming 
up with the mortgage papers. 



14 si slocum's country store 

Jaybird. Well, how do you know ? 
Tilly. Say, what am I in the post-office for? To keep 
posted, of course. 

{Exit, r.) 

Si. Don't mind her. She's got to keep up with Belinda 
Spokes somehow. 

Jaybird. Oh, I don't mind Tilly. The only woman 
I'm afraid of around here is Mrs. Ripples — Jee-rusalem, 
here she comes ! 

{Rushes out r., sounding auto horn, as Mrs. Ripples 
enters L.) 

Mrs. R. (rushing across and looking off R.) Oh, ain't 
that too bad ? There goes Reuben Jaybird, and I wanted 
to have a few words with him. Howdy do, folks? 

(The men all greet her.) 

Si. Howdy do, Mrs. Ripples? 

(Enter Tilly, l.) 

Tilly. There's no mail for you. Guess there never will 
be no males for you, Mrs. Ripples. 

Mrs. R. Well, upon my word. I want you to know 
that three of the finest gentlemen in this 

Tilly (interrupting). Well, now you've had three hus- 
bands, I should think you'd give somebody else a chance. 

Mrs. R. I'm not interested in anybody else's chances. 
I'm going to get a husband, but I'm going to be particular 
this time. I don't want them dying on my hands all the 
time. It keeps me dressing in black and having expensive 
funerals. The next fellow has got to promise me that he'll 
live five or six years, at the least. 

Hank. Take me. I've got a pension — and a war record. 

Mrs. R. Oh, no ! I don't want to be an old man's 
nurse. My next husband must own an automobile and have 
a big insurance on his life. 

St. That's right. The two go together. 

Joe. How would I suit? 

Mrs. R. Oh, you get out ! I've got no use for old 
wrecks. 

Tilly. Your husbands were glad to die, I guess. 



SI SLOCUM S COUNTRY STORE 1 5 

Mrs. R. Well, some women try and try, and never get 
any. 

Tilly. Well, that don't hit me. I wouldn't marry the 
best man that ever lived. 

Hank. I haven't asked you yet ! 

(Tramp sneaks in r. with long stick and hides in the 
barrel, R.) 

Ttjlly {to Hank). I want you to mind your own busi- 
ness about me. 

(Exit, r.) 

(Tramp hits Joe on the head.) 

Joe (to Hank). And don't you put your hands on 
me. 

Hank. Haven't touched you. (Tramp strikes Hank, 
who Jumps up.) Here ! That means fight ! I don't allow 
any man to hit me on the head, where I was wounded by a 
cannon-ball. 

Joe. I didn't hit you. And don't you hit me, neither. 

(Tramp hits them both rapidly. They clinch. Si runs 
and separates them. Tramp watches his chance and hits 
Si, who turns and shakes and strikes both of the old men. 
Si then seizes each of thetn and runs them out of the 
store, l., and returns angry and puffing and falls over 
the sleeping boy. ) 

Si. By ginger ! You get out of my way and go home ! 

(Slowboy walks a few steps, comes back and sits down 
and falls asleep again. Meanwhile Hiram Plunkitt is 
heard outside spouting like a tragedian.) 

Hiram. Make way for me ! Call out the village brass 
band and fire company and yell with all your might, "Wel- 
come to our city ! " (Enter Hiram, l., and poses.) Hello, 
folks ! 

Mrs. R. Hiram Plunkitt, I heard you were back. 
Welcome home ! (Runs to him.) 

Hiram (striking attitude). Ah, fairest of the fair ! This 
must be Miss Susy Snodgrass, the village belle; or, no, 
stay, I mean Mrs. Dobbs; or, no — Mrs. Smith — no, Mrs, 
Ripples ! 



ID SI SLOCUM S COUNTRY STORE 

Si. Now ye got her up to date, Hiram. 
Mrs. R. (going close to Hiram). Ah, Hiram, you've 
been gone a Jong time ! 

(Sighs and looks at him languishingly . ) 

Hiram. Too long, fair one. Ah, angels were painted 
fair to look like thee ! (Puts his arm around her.) 

Mrs. R. Oh, Hiram, I hope you are going to stay here. 
You do make love so naturally. 

Hiram. None knew thee but to love thee. 

Hank. An' most of 'em married her, Hiram. 

Mrs. R. Don't you believe it, Hiram. I've had only 
three, so far. 

Si. My, you two are as good as a play. 

(Mrs. R. laughs and leaves Hiram.) 

Hiram (with burlesque tenderness'). A play ! Ah, this 
is real affection's truest note. Soft ! What light from yon 
window breaks ? It is the east, and Juliet is the sun. 
Arise, fair moon ! 

Mrs. R. (giggling). Am I the moon? 

Hiram. Yes. Oh, would that I were a rose to press 
that cheek! A rose by any other name would smell as 
sweet. Come to my arms, Juliet ! I love thee, and none 
shall take you from me. Mine ! Mine ! (Rushes to her 
and embraces her.) Thus Romeo has won his Juliet. 

(Business of mock kisses. All applaud, and Hiram and 
Mrs. R. separate, laughing.) 

Mrs. R. Hiram, you must come and see me. 

Hiram. At the old place ? Ah, Mrs. Ripples, when I 
was a mere child I used to walk past there and wonder when 
I'd be old enough to marry you. 

Mrs. R. (bridling). I'm not so much older than you, 
Hiram ! 

Hiram. No, but I dare not aspire to your hand yet, 
Mrs. Ripples. Wait till I have more experience. I'm 
saving you for my third wife. 

Mrs. R. The idea! Well, I see you're the same old 
Hiram. 

Si. What are ye workin' at, Hiram ? 

Hiram. I'm an actor. 



SI SLOCUMS COUNTRY STORE 1 7 

Si. Ye don't say ! Well, I always said ye'd come to a 
bad end. 

(They all laugh, and Hiram Joins in.') 
{Enter Tilly, R.,Joltowed cautiously by Hank and Joe.) 
Tilly. Land sakes, if 'tain't Hiram Plunkitt ! 
( Goes to him, and they shake hands. ) 

Hiram. Hello, Miss Tilly. Still on the job, I see. 

Tilly. Well, stickin' at a job is more'n some folks can 
do. {Enter Lillie Dotts, l.) I s'pose ye've come back 
now to live on the old folks, same as ye used to. 

Hiram (smiling). Well, it's a mighty comfortable place 
to get back to, Miss Tilly. 

Tilly. Well, it's lucky they're able to take care of you. 

Hiram. That's so, Miss Tilly. 

Tilly. I always said you was shiftless. I s'pose ye 
haven't steady work now, have ye? 

Hiram (smiling). No, I can't say I have. But I intend 
to be working in the fall. 

Tilly {sniffing). Well, ye know what place is paved 
with good intentions. 

Hiram. I've heard of it. 

(Auto horn heard off 'l.) 

Si. By gravy ! There's Jaybird in his new machine, I 
bet. Let's see him. 

(Si, Tilly, Hank, Joe and Mrs. R. all rush out l. Slow- 
boy is still asleep on keg. Hiram turns and sees Lillie 
up l. ) 

Hiram. Lillie ! 

Lillie. Hiram! (Comes down c.) So you've come 
back. 

Hiram (taking her hand). Yes. Are you glad to see 
me, Lillie? 

Lillie. You know I am. 

Hiram. You know I told you I wouldn't come back 
poor, Lillie. I 

Lillie (interrupting). Oh, don't, Hiram. I heard 
what you told Tilly. You are still poor — and you have not 
found your life-work. 



18 si slocum's country store 

Hiram. Lillie, I want to tell you 

Lillie. Wait. Let me say this first. I've saved some- 
thing, and the old place is mine now. Let me help you 
make a fresh start. All I have is yours. 

Hiram {going to her, and taking her hands'). Lillie, 
you dear girl— you dear little girl ! Bless you. There's 
only one thing I want, and that is 

( Voices heard L. and loud crash.*) 

Lillie {looking around l.). Oh, they are all coming 
back ! 

(Hiram and Lillie separate hastily^) 

{Enter Si, Hank, Joe a?id Tilly, L.,follo7ved by Mrs. R., 
who looks off l. All laughing except Mrs. R.) 

Si. Well, well, Jaybird's done it this time. 

Hank {laughing). Thought the road ran up the side of 
the barn, 1 guess. 

Joe. Reckon Reuben' 11 have to put on a second mort- 
gage now. {All laugh but Mrs. R.) 

Mrs. R. Well, I think it's a shame. He's such a nice 
man, too. {Enter Jaybird, l., with clothes dirty and 
mussed. Carries a large monkey-wrench.) I'm awful sorry, 
Mr. Jaybird. 

Jaybird. Oh, I reckon the mortgage '11 cover it. Say, 
Si, I don't need that extry gasoline just yet. 

(Mrs. R. goes to Jaybird.) 

Hank. My, she stopped quick. Guess it takes an ex- 
pert like you, Reuben, to stop that way, all in one place. 

{All laugh.) 

{Enter Belinda Spokes, l.) 

Belinda. Hello, everybody ! Glad to find so many 
here. I'm lovin' everybody to-day. (Hank, Joe and Si 
rush to her and embrace her. Belinda pushes them away.) 
Go on with ye ! I should think you old men would be 
ashamed. My gracious, 'tain't safe for a girl to go around 
alone, nowadays. You ought to be thinkin' of your here- 
after. Hello, Lillie ! What nice clothes you got. Look 
real cheap, too. Who's that young man? 



SI SLOCUM S COUNTRY STORE 19 

{Points to Hiram.) 

Hiram. Why, don't you remember me, Miss Spokes? 
I'm Hiram Plunkitt. 

Belinda. What ! The young man Lillie was sweet on ? 
Well, well, I thought you was in jail, or somethin'. What 
do yuu do for a liviV ? 

Si. Well, Miss Spokes, Hiram says he's an actor. 

Belinda. Then he's just what. I'm lookin' for. We're 
gettin' up an entertainment in the town hall to send the 
minister on a vacation. I want you all to help. Ain't that 
news, now ? 

Tilly {sourly). Not much. I told 'em before you came 
in. Here's some post-cards for you. Ain't nothin' but 
face-powder advertisements, but I guess ye'd like to 
have 'em. 

Belinda. Well, I declare. They are all stuck over with 
molasses. How shocking ! 

Tilly. Not half so shocking as painting your face when 
you're old enough to know better. 

Belinda. You mind your own business, and stop read- 
ing my postal cards, or there'll be war here. 

Hank. War ! That's me ! Let me tell you about the 
battles I fit and died in 

Joe {with cane). Not another word about those battles. 
(Tramp hits Hank on the head and he falls on the box.) 
He's so feeble he can't stand up, and he talks about getting 
married. 

(Tramp hits Joe on the head, who falls in funny manner. 
Tramp hides in barrel.) 

Belinda. Let them both die if they want to. 

Lillie. Tell us about the entertainment. 

Belinda. It comes off next week. I'm around hustling 
up some talent. Everybody has got to do something. Con- 
tribute or perform in some way. 

Lillie. I'll volunteer to do something. 

(Lillie may introduce specialty.) 

Hiram {as she finishes amid applause). That's fine, 
Lillie. And I — I will appear in a comedy written by myself, 
called Hiram Plunkitt's Courtship, and I'll get a lady to act 



20 SI SLOCUMS COUNTRY STORE 

the other part — so naturally that love will permeate the entire 

building. 

Belinda. ) /->., , . , ., v, , 

M R V Oh, let me act it with you ! 

Hiram. One at a time, ladies. Don't all speak at once. 
There are other applicants, also. {Glances at Liilie, who 
smiles.') My love-making will be the real thing this time. 
How are you going to help the entertainment, Mr. Slocum? 

Si. Me? Oh, I'll contribute ice-cream and crackers, I 
guess. 

Tilly. Yes, if those loafers leave any. {Glares at Joe 
and Hank.) Well, I'm goin' to speak a piece I learned in 
school. 

(Tilly recites a child 1 s piece or sings childish song in 
cracked voice. When all are applauding Tramp rises up 
and yells " Good," and applauds louder than the rest. Si 
goes to him, takes him by the ear, and brings him down.) 

Si. Who are you, and what are you doing in here? 

Tramp. Don't get hot, boss ! The company here is so 
delightful that I had to join the assemblage. Let me con- 
tribute my share to pay for my presence among you. 

All. Good ! Good ! Do something. 

(Tramp's specialty. All applaud and are delighted.') 

Jaybird. Fine ! Splendid ! You're too bright to be a 
tramp. How would you like to come and work on my 
farm ? 

Tramp. Thanks ! I'm too strong to work. 

[Enter Constable, l., in flat.) 

Constable. What's going on here? 

Si. Just a little gathering for a good purpose. 

Constable. I just dropped in to tell you that Neighbor 
Jaybird's chicken-coop has been robbed ! 

Jaybird. What ! 

Constable. Yes, sir. And that I followed the midnight 
assassin to this store, and now I've got him. 

{Seizes Tramp, amid a general cry of astonishment.) 

Tramp. I own up — I did purloin the poultry. Take me 
to jaii. 



si slocum's country STORE 21 

Jaybird. No — no — you're too talented to go to jail. 
Mr. Constable, I forgive the chicken thief. 

Constable. You're makin' a mistake, Reuben. You're 
encouragin' crime and confoundin' felony. An' say {going 
close to Jaybird), how kin I keep this here job if 1 don't 
arrest somebody once in a while — hey ? 

Jaybird. Can't help it. I'll give him a job as shuffer 
on my automobile. I guess I need one. 

Tramp. I'll take it. 

(Constable very angry, but all jolly him.) 

All. Be a good fellow. Forgive him and do something 
for the entertainment. 

Constable. All right. I'll do a stunt. 

(Constable's specialty, which should be of a rural character 
if possible.') 

Tramp. Say, you're pretty good. Look here. I've got 
a proposition to make you. 

{Draws Constable out l. Si, Lillie and Hiram talk r.) 

Jaybird. Guess I'll go show him the machine. 

{Goes out L.) 

Mrs. R. Oh, let me see it, too. {Runs out L.) 
Belinda. Well, of all the bold hussies ! 
Tilly. Do you mean me ? 
Belinda. No, I don't, but I might. 

{They glare at each other.) 

Hank {coming forward). Well, speakin' o' war, I'll 
contribute a war piece to the entertainment. It goes this 
here way. {Clears throat, ad lib., etc.) 

Joe {going l.). That settles it; I'm goin' home. I 
can't stand no more of Hank's war talk. (Stops'.) Why, 
how d'ye do, Miss 

{Enter Mabel Deering, l.) 

Mabel. Oh, is this the post-office? 
Belinda. Yes, ma'am. 

{Walks around a \1abel, inspecting her critically.) 



22 SI SLOCUM S COUNTRY STORE 

Mabel (smiling). You see, I'm a stranger — just a sum- 
mer boarder, in fact, and I don't know much about the place 
yet. 

{Looks at Lillie, who smiles to her pleasantly.') 

Hiram (going to Mabel and bowing). Allow me to 
personally conduct you. My name is Plunkitt. (As he talks 
he goes r., draws boxes forward and forms a double line 
of them — as in diagram— from down r. to up c, with one 
more in front, tip c.) The Cranberry Crossroads sight- 
seeing automobile ! All aboard ! Allow me ! 

Mabel (laughing). Oh, all right ! 

(Gives Hiram her hand, and he escorts her to a box.) 

Hiram. Come on, everybody ! See your own city ! 
Come on ! 

(Lillie, Hank, Joe, Si and Belinda laughingly take places 
in the " auto.") 

Si. Come on, Tilly ! 

Tilly {sniffing). I guess not. Some people is born 
plumb foolish, an' some never got over it. 

Hiram (laughing). Hey, where's the chauffeur? (Goes 
L. and calls off.) Here, Mr. Jaybird, I have a brand new 
auto for you. (Enter Jaybird, l. Hiram pushes him to 
box, c. ) You're the chauffeur for the rubber-neck wagon. 

Jaybird. All right ! 

(Pretends to crank up machine, then sits on box and pre- 
tends to steer. Hiram takes sheet of paper from counter, 
and while he talks rolls it into megaphone shape.) 

Hiram (c ). Ladies — and — gen-tle-men ! On the right 
(waving megaphone r.) we have the palatial em-po-ri-um 
and residence of Mr. Silas Slocum, one of our mer-chant 
prin ces ! 

Si. You get out, Hiram ! 

(All laugh.) 

Hiram (waving toward 'Filly, who is in front of post- 
office boxes). On the left you perceive a grand old ruin, 
Tilly. What ! 

(All laugh.) 



SI SLOCUMS COUNTRY STORE 23 

Hiram {calmly'). That is the post-office. (All laugh at 
Tilly, who flounces around behind counter. Hiram goes 
on to describe buildings, etc., in funny terms. This gives 
a fine opportunity for local hits. He should include some 
buildings the town needs, but which are not yet built, the 
building the entertainment is held in, etc. At the end he 
says.) We have now ar-rived at our starting point, la-dies 
— and — gen-tle-men. All change ! One dollar each, please. 
Thank you. {Pretends to collect money.) 

Mabel (laughing). Well, Mr. Plunkitt, I must say it's 
worth the money. 

(Hank, Si and Joe pile boxes r.) 

Si. You're all right, Hiram. 

Tilly (from behind post-office boxes). Foolishness ! 

(Lillie and Mabel converse up r. Hiram and Belinda 
down l.) 

(Enter Professor Camomile, l. Looks around near- 
sightedly.) 

Professor. Dear me, I guess I'm in the wrong place. 

(Goes l., nervously.) 

Tilly (catching him). No, you ain't. Come here ! 
Professor. Suffragette meeting, ain't it? (Goes l.) 
Tilly (catching him). No. Jest the usual post-office 
loafers, an' some others. 

(Hank and Joe violently argue, r.) 

Professor (nervously). Oh, all right. My wife told 
me not to go to any of them there suffragette meetings. 
Tilly. Wouldn't do you no harm. Want your mail ? 

(Goes behind boxes, gets mail and hands it.) 

Professor (looking at it close to eyes). I can't see who 
it's from. 

Tilly. Well, I looked it over. 'Tain't no importance, 
I guess. 

Hank. Here, I leave it to the Professor. (Hank and 
Joe approach Professor.) Now, you're a doctor, ain't 
you ? 



24 SI SLOCUMS COUNTRY STORE 

Professor (brightening). Yes, yes. Somebody's cow- 
sick ? All right. Lead me to the patient's bedroom, please. 

Hank {on one side of Professor). If a cow swallowed 
a 

Joe (on the other side). A man ! 

Professor (nervously). What ! If a cow swallowed a 
man? 

Hank. No, no ! If a cow 

Joe. You mean a man. If a man 

(Belinda separates Hank and Joe from Professor. 
IViey go r.) 

Belinda. Here, let him alone. Professor, we want you 
to do a stunt at the minister's benefit entertainment. 

Professor. Oh, no ! Oh, no ! Really ! Oh, no ! 

Belinda. Why, I asked your wife, and she said she 
would. 

Professor. Oh, did she ? Oh, very well. Certainly. 
Oh, yes, yes. Quite so. 

Belinda. What shall it be, Professor? 

Professor. Why, I'll take a — I mean I'll do a little 
stunt I learned at the hospital. 

(Professor's specialty. As he pauses, Schoolgirls run 
in l. laughing and screaming. They surround Belinda.) 

Girls. Oh, Miss Belinda ! Let us be in the entertain- 
ment. We just heard about it. 

Belinda. Certainly. What can you do? 

Girls. Oh, lots of things. Why, we drill, for one thing. 

(They take brooms and do a broom drill. At end all the 
others applaud, and, if stage is small, Girls run out L.) 

Mabel. Well, this is very pleasant. But, dear me, I 
must get my mail. Anything for Miss Mabel Sweetly? 

(Goes toward Tilly, l.) 

Tilly (handing card). Yes. I hope you can under- 
stand it. I couldn't. 

Mabel (reading card). Oh, it's from Ezra Buttons. 
He's coming over from Elmville College to see me. How 
lovely. I wonder when Why, here he is ! 

(Enter Mrs. R., l., with Ezra Buttons.) 



si slocum's country store 25 

Mrs. R. Ah, is this Miss Sweetly? Well, this young 
gentleman's looking for you. 

(Smiles sweetly at Ezra.) 

Ezra. Thank you. Hello, Mabel ! 

(Shakes hands with her.') 

Belinda (to Hiram). Anybody can tell that girl's just 
crazy after men. (Goes to Ezra, simpering.) How do 
you do? 

Ezra (politely). How do you do? 

Belinda (sweetly). We're getting up a little entertain- 
ment to send our minister on a vacation. Will you help us? 

Ezra. Sure ! I'll bet the poor man will be glad to get 
away. What shall I do ? 

Belinda (very sweetly). Oh, anything. 

Ezra. Well, I guess I could manage a college song, if 
Mabel will help. 

Mabel. Oh, I'd love to ! (Specialty here by Ezra and 
Mabel, if desired.) Ezra, let me introduce Mr. Plunkitt. 

Ezra (going toward Hiram). How do you do? (Stops, 
surprised.) Why, you're Norval Norrington, aren't you? 

Hiram (laughing). I guess you've got me ! 

Lillie. What ! 

Ezra. Why, didn't you know it? I've seen him act 
often. He's known all over the country under his stage 
name — Norval Norrington. And he's a wonder. Glad to 
meet you, sir. 

Lillie. Norval Norrington ! Why, I can't believe it ! 

(Hiram draws her down c. Ezra and Mabel converse 
up c. Belinda and Si doiun l. Jaybird and Mrs. R. 
up l. Hank and Joe quarrel, r. Tilly leans over 
counter, talking to Professor.) 

Hiram. I ought to have told you at first, Lillie. 

Lillie. Then you're famous — and you're not poor at 
all, Hiram ! 

Hiram (taking her hands). No, I'm rich. For I have 
you, Lillie — haven't I? 

Lillie. Yes, Hiram. 

Belinda. Here, here ! You brazen things ! Holding 
hands ! Well, I declare ! What does this mean ? 



26 si slocum's country store 

Hiram. It means that Lillie and I will have another 
contribution to make to the minister's vacation fund. 
Belinda. What's that? 
Hiram. A wedding fee. 

{He and Lillie smile at each other. They go tip a, fol- 
lowed by others laughing and congratulating them. 
Mrs. R. and Jaybird, l. Si and Belinda, r.) 

Mrs. R. {sighing). That's all very pretty — but where 
do I come in ? 

Jaybird {opening arms). Here's where you come in ! 

Mrs. R. {going to him). Oh, Reuben, you must sell 
that machine ! I can't have you damaged. 

Si. Say, they're all pairin' off, Belinda. How about us? 

Belinda {embracing him). Well, I don't see why you 
waited so long, Si Slocum. 

(Hank leads Slowboy down c. He holds pitcher, rubs 
eyes, and yawns. Everybody on.) 

Hank. Hey, wake up ! You don't know what's goin' 
on here in Cranberry Crossroads. 

Slowboy {yawning). Wh- what's the m-m-matter {yawn- 
ing) with Cranberry {yawning) Crossroads, anyway? 

Hank {to others). He wants to know {loudly) what's 
the matter with Cranberry Crossroads ! 

All {crowding around them). It's all right ! 

Hank. What's all right? 

(Slowboy tvakes up, grins, and joins in.) 

All. Cranberry Crossroads ! 

Hiram. And particularly Si Slocum's country store ! 

{Music, wedding march.) 



DEC i 1^5 



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